Of the Mind And Soul Only.

Sometimes when I smile, it doesn’t really seem like I’m smiling. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not.

Sometimes when I lie, it doesn’t really seem like I’m lying. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not.

Sometimes when I listen, it doesn’t really seem like I’m listening. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not.

Sometimes when I think, it doesn’t really seem like I’m thinking. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not.

Sometimes when I sing, it doesn’t really seem like I’m singing. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not.

Sometimes when I wait, it doesn’t really seem like I’m waiting. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not.

Sometimes when I talk, it doesn’t really seem like I’m talking. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not.

Sometimes when I cry, it doesn’t really seem like I’m crying. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not.

Neither Here Nor There.

Dear Blog,

Hey, how are you? I hope you don't feel very abandoned at the moment. Coz seriously, you aren't. I still am the same person who, after every significant event, thinks about you and what your next post shall be named. Really.

I miss you as much as you miss me. But I'm not as nice as you are. I forget, I laze around and I'm stubborn. But you, my dear, do none of such nonsense. You don't forget anything that I've told you, you're not lazy like me and you're too nice to be stubborn. But tell me, has any one ever told you that you are aggressive? That you're initial response to EVERYTHING is negative? No, right? People have only praised you and not told you about your shortcomings ever. So you don't know how much it hurts. Especially when you realize that those people are right, that you've turned into someone you don't even recognize anymore.

I wish I were like you sometimes. Simple that is. No complicated underlying emotions or anything. But life's never simple is it? At-least mine never is. For the past four months, blog dear, I've been jobless. Like literally jobless. I had my exams in May this year and after that I've mostly lazed around my house and become a "house-student" or something like that. First college wasn't reopening only. I was getting all apprehensive and I wanted to go back to work etc etc. But then when it finally did, the ambiance and blah had all changed in two months and I just didn't want to study. Nor did my classmates, for that matter. And apparently nor did the professors assigned to us. So we are all lazy. I've been to college like once in the past one month. We keep having stuff like a "Swine Flu" vacation, Strikes etc. Then i was big-time sick and then we went for Zonasa this year. Etc Etc Etc. That's not the point. The actual point is, I'm not studying. I'm not. At all. I've not made one sheet in the past three and half months. And this makes me sad. What makes me sadder is that I've lost all motivation also. Its not like I'm not doing, I don't feel like doing anything only.

I miss D. I do meet him in college sometimes. He looks at me and I know he expects me to act better. I feel like I'm letting D down. But I cant help it. I keep feeling guilty. This Teacher's day, D is the only one who i called up to wish and it makes me so happy to talk to him, every time. The only reason I feel guilty is him. But I bludy cant help my behavior. Truth is, I don't even want to. This makes me such a sad person right Blog?

I can give you so many reasons of not working. But I cant justify any of them. I'm lying. To myself and to you. I've become someone who doesn't care anymore. About anything. Not even herself. I'm turning into someone for whom nothing matters, literally. I've stopped feeling. Even if i do feel something, its only momentary. The only feeling that I have is this feeling of being lost. Like I dont really know who I am anymore or what I want anymore. Or what I believe anymore. Its that state of being supremely clueless.

And its not like I'm sad or anything, I'm not, seriously. I'm perfectly happy doing other things. I know this may shock you but I've started cooking also. Lol. How is that for un-Tejal -like behaviour? Yea its true that I don't do it willingly always but its happening Blog, I'm getting there. I even clean my room willingly nowadays :| AND I've seen so many movies and so many seasons of so many shows (So much for not acting like myself huh?).. AND I've joined other classes to learn new soft-wares etc. So its not like I'm doing nothing. But I'm also NOT doing what i should be doing. Taking college-work seriously. Because I have goals and these goals need to be worked upon right?

I also am not very happy about some other things. Like the fact that my so-called closest guy friend is in love with me and I'm not, in love with him that is. Sigh. As if i needed this. God, can you please make these people NOT fall in "love" with me? And why doesn't the person I like, like me in "that" way. Sigh. Its all so ridiculous. I'm tired of this drama, seriously. Of the love triangles and quadrilaterals around me. My teen-age got over like a year back. So why didn't this drama end then? Its too filmy and boring now. Next please.

Finally Blog, you must be wondering as to why I'm writing to you, after all these years.. well, the answer is that, I don't think this is working out anymore. No, don't take it personally. Its not you, it really is me. I cant handle this public blog anymore. Since the time I've found out that so many people read this blog, people who know me personally, I've started having these doubts. And due to this, I don't really get to write my true emotions sometimes, you know? Its more like a censored version of what i want to write. So I'm thinking of going underground. Like maybe another blog (!) or maybe just shut you out from the Big Bad World.

It may not happen immediately but I just wanted to let you know what's on my mind. Because I know that's what you always want to know, dear Blog.

So see you next time,
Hopefully sooner than later,
Lots of words and lines,
Me.

Just Another Day. Not. (Part 2)

So it wasn't just another day after all.

 As in, day was crappy. We found out that we've been allotted all crappy teachers and basically I don't think I'm going to go to college much this semester because of that.

But best part of the day was that I found my favorite professor D (yes the scary one, who makes us work like donkeys and other beasts of burden, my fellow scorpio at college), told him that i was devastated that he isn't taking any classes with us this sem and we ended up talking about stuff thats been going on in my mind, about how i'm confused right now, about the future etc etc.

After talking to him, i realised how much i admire him and that i'm in complete awe of him. Its for people like him that make this course so amazing and inspiring.

He's like the best. He's so cool. Yet he's the scariest person I've met. But he's someone who makes you want to do something in life.

Its an honour to be his student.

Just Another Day. Not.

So, today is going to be the first day of the fourth year of my college life. I have to sleep for 4 and a half hours now and wake up to today. It might seem like just any day but  frankly its not. Its like one of those 'small-step-for-man-huuuuge-step-for-Tejal' kinda days. If I start, I might list out all the things, good and bad, that have happened to me in the last three years and bore the hell out of you, my dear reader, and so, I'm not going into details.

So, lets just say i'm a lil psyched about growing up all this, I think its too soon, I mean, what do I know about architecture anyway, I cant be like a FOURTH YEAR STUDENT already, can I?

So, I'm like kinda freaked out, in a not-happy sorta way (erm) and I know this is crazy, it cant really get any worse than it already is, can it? (famous last words,they call 'em).

So, I'm just saying, that maybe I'm not ready for this. Then again, I might honestly never be ready for this ever.

So, maybe this is a good thing. Maybe one has to tell that Inner Voice to shut up, stop being so ultra cynical  and let you take chances once in a while.

So, this year, I'm going to give myself another chance; I'm not going to give up so easily :)

It's All About You.

I don't understand you. I don't know why you call when you do, I don't know why you don't call when you don't.

I don't understand what makes you smile suddenly and I don't understand why you don't respond abruptly.I don't know why we click the way we do and I don't know why we differ the way we do.

I don't understand what I mean to you nor do I understand what you mean to me. Sometimes you're just a very pleasant memory, other times you're just too painful to think about.

I don't understand why you suddenly waltz back into my life just when I'm about to forget you and then I certainly don't understand why you disappear again leaving me confused and angry and waiting, waiting for you,again.

Sometimes I think I've had enough. That you should go away for good so that I don't have to say goodbye to you again and again. Other times, I just wish you would stay and never leave ever. 

In some ways, I hate you more than I've hated anyone. In other ways, I miss you more than I've ever missed anyone.

Drive Me Crazy.

Yes, I've been taking driving lessons, much to the horror of most of people who know me. All i can say is that so far I've managed not to hurt anyone. Yet, that is.

I do all sorts of crazy stuff when i drive though. Like once i completely lost it when there was a lot of traffic and vehicles were coming from all directions. I sort of abandoned the steering wheel and everything and went "Omigod what do i do now?" and my teacher, an old, bald, plumpy guy, said "*Sigh* You drive. Ahead."

And then there are times when i ask him neurotically, "Ok am i actually driving on my own? Like u aren't helping at all, right? Like this is nice, huh? Like I'm not even scared now, huh? Like I'm getting better everyday, eh?", to which his usual reply is, "Yea.Turn left now." Sheesh so much for appreciation.

But its not like he is the quiet types or anything ok? He keeps on and on and on about the road and the traffic and once he even narrated a mahabharat story to me. All this to avoid over concentration on my part, he says. :|

So today , i was driving after like a month (coz i had exams and then was out etc) and it takes time to get into the groove right? I mean the first time ever that i drove a car i was like "Wheeeeeeeee", its like totally fun, the way the car responds to even the slightest touch of your foot. But the fun tends to decrease as one goes beyond the basics and your teacher lets you drive completely on your own especially on really really busy roads.

So,as usual he was talking incessantly, about getting a license,
Teacher- *sounding really doubtful * So, u are eighteen, right?
My Thought Bubble - Duuuude. You ask me this after you teach me how to drive?
Me- Yea totally. I'm 20. *smug look*
Teacher- Yea. Turn left now. And then stop. And slowly. *Gives me his this-is-not-a-racing-car look*
(er..i tend to drive a wee bit fast. I'm all about the speed u'know :P)

So i halt (yes, very slowly) in front of a house and out comes the next trainee.
My Thought Bubble- o_O .....WTH?! She is going to drive?? duuuude she looks 13!! Baby faced and still has baby fat!! i am SO getting out of this car right now.
New Girl- *walks towards the car, looks at me and starts smiling away to glory *
My Thought Bubble- ohkayy..she seems really happy huh? must be her first/second class. *smiles in a reluctant yet encouraging way*
New girl- hey! St.Joseph's right?
Me- umm, yeah.
My Thought Bubble- ohhh-kay. She recognizes me. She knows which school i went to.And  i have no idea what-so-ever who she is. Dude, i am famous :D :D ok fine, maybe not so much. She must be a junior. What if she's a senior *freaks out*. But she looks so small.OK ok get a grip. Just look outside the window okay. Deep breathing will help i think.

 Heh. So yea, I drive myself a lil crazy at times.  I mean thats normal, right? :P

Yellow.

So this is what it feels like, to be free? Its nice really. Not bad at all. My first proper "free" time after 14 months, it sure feels nice. And it feels new. It does.

After much MUCH wait, sixth semester is kinda* over. To sum it up, I would say its been a  rough semester. I was going to say 'tough' but that would be an understatement. Last month was crazy, completely crazy (erm..hence no post). This time both our mainDesign AND workingDrawing submissions were completed before the end sem exams, so yea, its been rough :)

Exams got over last week and I had an awesome one week holiday after a long long time. Was away for a few days and a lot of time was spent on making to-do lists (wheee!), the first item on each list being updating and upgrading this blog.

Also,this is the first time that I'm trying new templates. So do tell me how this new template looks.You can also vote on the tiny little poll-thing thats on the left side. I'm tryin out different templates so i think this blog is going to look different (wheee!) every month or so.But for now, "Its All Yellow" :P

A lot many things have happened recently that I keep forgetting to mention here. Like I got a new pc two months back. Its so awesome.Till now, I'm like super happy with it *touch wood*.And other such random stuff you know?

Among other things, i had the most amazing 'beach' experience lately. But more on that later. Ohmygod i SO love the ocean. I do, I really really do. I can just keep looking at the waves forever. Its totally therapeutic. Next only to shopping, ofcourse.

So I think I'm going to wrap up here, hoping that these next two months, i will write more, live more.
Cheers!

*One submission is still left but ehh..wotcha gonna do, eh? :S

Five Year Plans.

Sometimes, when people hear that i'm doing a five-year degree course, they go like :O
lol..of course, five years seems like a long time and it definitely is, but to tell you the truth, life is different on the other side. Other side of the fifth semester that is. Once you finish half of your course, everything seems different. Like its all going to end soon. Like nothing matters anymore coz its not going to last long enough anyway. 

Sixth semester has been tough. Very tough. I dont remember working so hard ever. Ever. Still, its not been enough. All thanks to D, our Darling Dracula professor. I could write a whole book on him. But i'm not going to :P

Recently, a lot many people seem to be very interested in my love-life. My non-existent love-life that is. Sigh. I know i've been too choosy, i know i've broken some hearts, i know i've been aloof, but i cant help it. Its just that i dont think any of them was (is) worth the trouble. heh. As soon as i find someone who makes me wanna break my own rules, i'll say yes. (There you go, Tam n Aqua, this is your answer, now stop annoying me, will ya?)

So yes, coming back to the main issue, i dont mind doing a five-year graduation course. Even though some my friends will be graduating this year itself (why is Bcom just a three-year thing? why? why?) and they will finish their masters(!!) by the time i complete my bachelors course, i still want to study further. Hopefully i'll do that and have a master's degree right after B.arch. Wow. That means four more years of college. Yikes. Thats long enough, i guess.

Okhay and will someone tell me the deal with the CAT exams in India? Thank GOD i don't want to do MBA. I mean what the hell? One of my first cousins got a 96 percentile n she was a lil unhappy and i was like- haan fine there still are 4 percent people above her. Another cousin got a 99 percentile and STILL he was unhappy with his result.
WHAT is wrong with the world?! Where did the 'healthy' competition and stuff go? This fat, ugly and gross competition makes me want to hit something. Or someone. Yea, something like that.

One of 'those' nights.

Mood music- 'Tonight's Gonna be a Good Night' by Black Eyed Peas.
  
Its one of those nights, when you are sitting alone by the window (because your computer table happens to be beside the window), early summer/late spring -ish cool wind blowing through your hair, you look at the doped mosquito thats buzzing around you and suddenly decide that you have to kill it, cause its your blood that it's  been sucking this whole time. 

Its one of those nights, when  you realise that the reason for all the sulking, that was going on for the past couple of days, was that you were living in denial . And as soon as you  realise that, life makes sense again.

Its one of those nights, when you give yourself a hard shake and download the software that got formatted off your pc a month back and without which, your work wasn't moving a millimeter further.

Its one of those nights, when you decide you won't be goin to college tomorrow because well, you haven't finished your work due to aforementioned due-download. And more so, because you just dont feel like it.

Its one of those nights, when you know you have spent the whole evening watching meaningless soaps and even the scam IPL match , just so that you dont have to think about the real things happening around you.

Its one of those nights, when you wish you were at Hogwarts or may be Camp half-blood and you could call up your 'normal' friends and say cheesy stuff like- "Anything is possible".

Its one of those nights, when you wonder what a normal, peaceful, uneventful life would feel like.

Its one of those nights, when you bravely put on your 'I-dont-give-a-damn' facade and try a lil too hard to make it seem true.
  
Its one of those nights, when you miss all the people who are / have been an integral part of you life. Yet you do not want to contact them and let them know.

Its one of those nights, when you don't want to sleep because you don't want to wake up to face tomorrow. And then, you realise that its 3 am. It already is tomorrow.

Its one of those nights, when you want to say so many things yet not want to say anything at all.



Its one of those nights, when you know your mom is going to be hospitalized tomorrow and that's the reason why you are doing / not doing said things and that you are probably, still in denial.  

March.

Honestly, I'm still scared of March.


Maybe its because we always had our Final exams in March at school and we used to get the report card also in March itself. It was a pretty scary month in those times.  Even though, I have exams in May (!) and December (!!) nowadays, I still get a weird feeling when someone says, "1st March".


Sometimes I think I've never moved on. Its been like five years and I'm still in my tenth standard classroom, sitting on the second bench with Abhu and  also, Tam n P, sitting behind us, Me and Sneha being 'tonga partners' apparently (dont look at me, i had nothing to do with the name, it was Sneha, only she knows why she called us that..and also, there was a third TP but i just cannot remember who she was. God, was it Abhu?), having lunch with my then best friend S, standing in the morning assembly (criticising everybody in general), thinking about leaving the school after studying there for twelve years.. yea, its all so fresh in my mind.


And at almost the end of the year, I had this really awful haircut, done at this *really* good place in Kolkata and it was so short and so yuck and so bad. Shit i remember crying for weeks about it. My real worry was that i would look terrible in a saree with short hair at my farewell in Feb. Sheesh. I was fifteen :|


So coming back to the point, March reminds me of school, of school bags, of the school gardens, of the Report-Card days (I was always a good student but on this day, I was always sure I would fail and would have to face the horror of repeating a year ), of anxiety and basically terror. Mostly, March reminds me of a strange ending (like April reminds me of a strange beginning but we dont have to talk about that now) to something important. I swear its not as cheeky as it sounds. Its weird though.


You know, sometimes I'm still that person I was in school. I was pretty different back then, mind you. I didn't know anything about anything. Seriously. I was a hardcore nerd. I still am actually. But only, now people don't get to see that side of me. Heh.*looks over her shoulder and smirks* (what? its funny when you actually do it ok. Sheesh. Use some imagination )


PS : My lil bro A has grown up n all (!). His 10th boards are starting from tomorrow (!!). Best of Luck ya :P  I hope you do well :P Matlab, no pressure, you just have my name to roshan and all :P