Sunday, April 17, 2011

A Taste Of Hell.

I know God exists. I don't just think he does, I know he does. No coincidence or chance can explain what's happening around us, its all beyond us. There is some kinda super power who has created everything. And not just created, someone who is administrating it too. Someone is listening to our thoughts, looking at our actions and smirking and /or flinching at our mistakes. Damn that's creepy!

But the difficult part isn't believing, its the understanding bit that's scary.  Why do some things happen, why do we suffer, why do bad and good things happen to us, these are the tricky parts.

My mother has Multiple sclerosis. Its a no-cause, no-cure disease. This means suddenly, she has an attack (they call them "episodes") one fine day and her legs stop working. She has to be admitted into the hospital and administered steroids.Then the steroids slowly start doing their thing, stop the infection and slowly, life comes back to her legs. If only, it were as simple as that.

Don't take me otherwise. Its not like my mom is always sick. She's not. There are times when you could say she's almost normal. But then suddenly, there's an attack (/episode) and everything gets screwed up. Those days at the hospital, the to and fro from hospital and back, the journey in between, it all makes one question how Karma is decided up there, on exactly what basis. You know, questions like, what exactly did my mother do, to deserve this, keep haunting me.

She had her first attack in November 2005 when I was 16. A year before this blog was born. Since then, she has had seven such attacks.I do mention it sometimes, like here and here, but never in detail because its painful to even think about it. You might wonder, why I'm sharing it now. Well the reason being, I think my ability to bear pain has gone up quite a few notches in the last 23 days.

You see, everything was going well. In fact, life had just turned perfect. But the very next day, after I returned home from college, I got to know that there had been another attack and we were going to the hospital immediately. At first, I was pretty pissed off with God, asking him why I got just a few hours of unlimited happiness and then it was snatched away, right out of my shocked hands. Then as the days went from bad to worse, I realised, that that day was the last day that I could have actually felt what I felt. Anything sort of good news after that was pretty much irrelevant. So I was given a few hours of happiness as a reward before being given a sample of hell. Wow, I almost see the just system here.

So, the usual medication was followed and after a week, on 1st April, we got mom home. It was almost like all the earlier six times. But it was not so. That night, her health deteriorated and the next morning was the worst morning of my life. She got very sick and we realised that she had to be rushed to the hospital and an ambulance was called and we took her to the Emergency Room. She was immediately admitted into the ICU and after a lot of painful tests and medication, her condition was stabilized. I came home and there was still an hour of that day's match left. But I didn't have the strength to wonder whether we'll win the Cup or not. The next few days are hazy but somehow we did make it through. Things are on their way to normalcy now. I really hope it stays that way for a few months, at least.

But I don't think I can forget that day, even for a moment. She fainted in my arms. Just stopped responding to me, with her eyes open. It was the most horrifying sight that I've ever seen. Its been two weeks now. She's back home,recovering but I still get nightmares, the sheets, the bathroom floor, the blood, the stretcher, the ICU waiting lounge, the phone calls, the vegetable-patients, the syringes, her screams.
If I do get the chance to meet God, the only question I'll ask is, 'Why?'.

Sunday, April 03, 2011


Tired of crying.
Tired of asking for a reason.
Tired of hoping for things to get better.

Drastic changes.
From being the happiest person ever, I've become sad, very very sad.
Trying to believe, trying to keep my faith alive but after such horrifying and excruciating events in the past one week, its impossible to smile without feeling guilty. Dont think I have the courage to go further.

I've seen some pretty bad days in my small, considerably insignificant life but yesterday was undoubtedly, the worst day of my life. Yet.