Monday, September 13, 2010

Neither Here Nor There.

Dear Blog,

Hey, how are you? I hope you don't feel very abandoned at the moment. Coz seriously, you aren't. I still am the same person who, after every significant event, thinks about you and what your next post shall be named. Really.

I miss you as much as you miss me. But I'm not as nice as you are. I forget, I laze around and I'm stubborn. But you, my dear, do none of such nonsense. You don't forget anything that I've told you, you're not lazy like me and you're too nice to be stubborn. But tell me, has any one ever told you that you are aggressive? That you're initial response to EVERYTHING is negative? No, right? People have only praised you and not told you about your shortcomings ever. So you don't know how much it hurts. Especially when you realize that those people are right, that you've turned into someone you don't even recognize anymore.

I wish I were like you sometimes. Simple that is. No complicated underlying emotions or anything. But life's never simple is it? At-least mine never is. For the past four months, blog dear, I've been jobless. Like literally jobless. I had my exams in May this year and after that I've mostly lazed around my house and become a "house-student" or something like that. First college wasn't reopening only. I was getting all apprehensive and I wanted to go back to work etc etc. But then when it finally did, the ambiance and blah had all changed in two months and I just didn't want to study. Nor did my classmates, for that matter. And apparently nor did the professors assigned to us. So we are all lazy. I've been to college like once in the past one month. We keep having stuff like a "Swine Flu" vacation, Strikes etc. Then i was big-time sick and then we went for Zonasa this year. Etc Etc Etc. That's not the point. The actual point is, I'm not studying. I'm not. At all. I've not made one sheet in the past three and half months. And this makes me sad. What makes me sadder is that I've lost all motivation also. Its not like I'm not doing, I don't feel like doing anything only.

I miss D. I do meet him in college sometimes. He looks at me and I know he expects me to act better. I feel like I'm letting D down. But I cant help it. I keep feeling guilty. This Teacher's day, D is the only one who i called up to wish and it makes me so happy to talk to him, every time. The only reason I feel guilty is him. But I bludy cant help my behavior. Truth is, I don't even want to. This makes me such a sad person right Blog?

I can give you so many reasons of not working. But I cant justify any of them. I'm lying. To myself and to you. I've become someone who doesn't care anymore. About anything. Not even herself. I'm turning into someone for whom nothing matters, literally. I've stopped feeling. Even if i do feel something, its only momentary. The only feeling that I have is this feeling of being lost. Like I dont really know who I am anymore or what I want anymore. Or what I believe anymore. Its that state of being supremely clueless.

And its not like I'm sad or anything, I'm not, seriously. I'm perfectly happy doing other things. I know this may shock you but I've started cooking also. Lol. How is that for un-Tejal -like behaviour? Yea its true that I don't do it willingly always but its happening Blog, I'm getting there. I even clean my room willingly nowadays :| AND I've seen so many movies and so many seasons of so many shows (So much for not acting like myself huh?).. AND I've joined other classes to learn new soft-wares etc. So its not like I'm doing nothing. But I'm also NOT doing what i should be doing. Taking college-work seriously. Because I have goals and these goals need to be worked upon right?

I also am not very happy about some other things. Like the fact that my so-called closest guy friend is in love with me and I'm not, in love with him that is. Sigh. As if i needed this. God, can you please make these people NOT fall in "love" with me? And why doesn't the person I like, like me in "that" way. Sigh. Its all so ridiculous. I'm tired of this drama, seriously. Of the love triangles and quadrilaterals around me. My teen-age got over like a year back. So why didn't this drama end then? Its too filmy and boring now. Next please.

Finally Blog, you must be wondering as to why I'm writing to you, after all these years.. well, the answer is that, I don't think this is working out anymore. No, don't take it personally. Its not you, it really is me. I cant handle this public blog anymore. Since the time I've found out that so many people read this blog, people who know me personally, I've started having these doubts. And due to this, I don't really get to write my true emotions sometimes, you know? Its more like a censored version of what i want to write. So I'm thinking of going underground. Like maybe another blog (!) or maybe just shut you out from the Big Bad World.

It may not happen immediately but I just wanted to let you know what's on my mind. Because I know that's what you always want to know, dear Blog.

So see you next time,
Hopefully sooner than later,
Lots of words and lines,