The Year That Will Be.

This is a post written in December 2010, hoping what 2011 would be like.

So its almost the end of 2010 and everybody is in holiday mood, making party plans, calling up long lost friends, making random resolutions for the next year, trying to get away from work. And I, my dear readers, am doing exactly the same things. I've been catching up on my blog-hopping recently and have realised that everybody has  already made resolutions and I'm left out. Now if you are one of those resolutions-are-crap/nobody-follows-them/its-a-waste-of-time type person then I suggest you leave right now because a lot of that is going to be discussed here.
Firstly I hope this year will be as different as it can be from last year.I hope this year will be much more productive for me, much more interesting and much more memorable.I hope I meet many new people this year and go to many new places.
I hope this year I go to a new city and discover it on my own. And get to discover more about myself trying to do that.
I hope this year I start living more in the present rather than dwelling in the past or fantasizing about the future.I  wish I could learn how to balance these three together.
I hope this year I become less fussy about things and concentrate on the right things. Major priority-analysis is required. Major.
I hope this year I learn something from my mistakes and dont make them again this year. I hope I learn to let go of memories that keep haunting me and wishes that I know will never come true.
I hope this year I hold on to all my friends and not let distance get in the way of our friendship.Also, some of them need a tight slap. I hope to give them that this year.
I hope this year I stay away from the people who live with the aim of bringing people down. Just fyi, I hate these people, I do, I really do. Have had the misfortune to know many such people.
I hope this year I let go of many fears that I have. I'd like to think I'm capable of doing that.
I hope I do some good work this year. Do some good Designs. Make something out of nothing.
I hope this year will be better than last year.

Current Interest.

Its weird when you want something so much, you don't really know why you want it but you really really do, and you're surprised at how much you want it . You know how irrelevant it will be, after a short while of time but still, just for the heck, you want it to happen. You cant understand how something that hadn't existed a few weeks ago is now the center of all your thoughts and how it is already becoming an obsession. Even if it doesn't feel completely right, even if it feels completely wrong to want it, even if you feel sometimes that it doesn't matter at all, you still bloody cant get it out of your head. Maybe you just need something to hold on to, so as to overshadow other things. Or maybe you just need a hobby.

Just so that we're clear, I'm not neurotic. Not yet atleast.

Private Party

Yes, finally it has happened.. this blog is now only visible to Invited-readers only. Sad but true. Since it will now probably have important stories about important people, its not very safe so have anonymous creepy people read it now and then. I know this means i'll lose my precious lurkers and secret admirers (:P) but this is important now. Hopefully some lurkers will come out and say hi now :)

First Day, First Show.

I've read many "My first day at blah blah" stuff and I didn't really relate to most of it. My first days at most places have been dull. Until now.

Lets rewind a little to 25th June when I was initially supposed to leave for Amd, and join on 27th. That was my plan. But as we all know, God works in mysterious ways and due to my brother's sudden illness, I couldn't go. So I was to go on 30th June. Fine. New plan. New excitement. 

On 30th, as I reached the airport in the afternoon, I was excited and a lil bit sad because i was leaving my city. Little did I know, my city was sad about leaving me too. So suddenly, it started raining like mad and my flight was delayed by three hours. Three. Freaking. Hours. Now don't get all judgmental and oh-just-three-hours-I've-been-through-worse on me. You see, my first flight, from Bhubaneswar to Bombay was delayed for 3 hours. My next flight from Bombay to Ahmedabad was still on time. So I was stuck, in my own city, waiting to be stuck in the next one. :/

Finally, after what seemed like ages, we reached Bombay. The Bombay Airport is so fab. Its pretty and chic and just very nice. So again, a four hour wait for the next flight to my New City. By the time, I actually reached Gujju-land, I couldn't even keep my eyes open to look around and check it out. 

So the next day, my mom woke me up (after like four hours of sleep) at 7 and I was like, screw the training man, I want to go home and sleep. But then I had to wake up coz there was definitely something wrong with my mom. She looked pale and was showing signs of pain. Not cool. After a while, we figured out that her disease was acting up and showing some weird symptoms and after an hour or so, she was crying out in pain. I was supposed to report at 9.30 but hello? There was something wrong with my mom. I was prepared to not join that day at all and go on 4th. Anyway, things worsened and we had to go to the Emergency Room immediately. At the hospital, after initial action, mom started feeling a lil better so they decided that Dad should drop me at office then. I was very shaken up, a lil teary and quite blank. Basically I had already had some tough one-on-one conversations with God throughout the morning. You know, stuff like, hello-how-much-pain-will-you-make-her-go-through, why-are-you-doing-this-to-her, can-you-ever-let-me-be-truly-happy type conversations. 

So anyway, i stepped into the office and it was unlike any office that i'd been to. It weird (albeit nice) sculpture-type things in the reception, the receptionist didn't know which date it was, there were all sorts of people in and about the lobby area. Finally we met this Senior Manager something who consulted our Senior Co-ordinater on phone and told me that i was supposed to be in XYZ's studio and i was to be shown where it was. Said a hurried bye to dad and then took the lift to the 7th floor. 

My studio is in the 7th floor. It doesn't have any jazzy name like the others "Planning studio/Urban Design studio" but it has one head. He's nice. He was all handshake-y, crisp welcome-y types. I was shown to my system and was told to sit. For some time I just hung around, acting all busy and intellectual. Then I just got plain bored. I was on the verge of recapitulating the events since morning when XYZ called me to his desk and started asking questions. He was quite nice about it. A little strict but nice. He told me that there will be a lot of ups and downs from now but I would have to keep the main objective clear, that I have come here to learn and should do that as a priority. He also told me to take five days to get to know the system and that I'll soon be okay here. I'd like to believe him. 

I just wanted time to fly so that i could meet mom and dad at lunch time. I wanted to know how my mom was doing. Although both of them had sent me messages telling me that all was good, (mom's message said "I am fine.") But still i had to see for myself. So i lunch time i asked my immediate boss, WXY  to go and he was like yea ok.So i went to our hotel, mom was better so i was relieved. 

I didn't want to go back after lunch. I mean I loved the office and the people were great and the work seemed to be just too cool (my studio people are working on an extremely high profile confidential government project that I'm not supposed to talk about) but I just didn't want to leave mom and i also wanted to sleep. Too much stress was happening. Plus I hadn't even met my  Senior Training Co-ordinator  (STC) yet. 

So i went after the one-hour lunch break and things seemed better as soon as i walked in the second time. I was a lil familiar with things and the people and the place already felt like I had been here since a long time. Finally STC came and he showed me around, I many of my co-trainees with him, we went to his office on the "H" Floor (Thats the main boss's floor, his name starts with 'H'. Fancy huh?). And he asked he questions that I had wanted to be asked the moment i landed here. Why here? Why Amd? Why 'H' Firm? etc etc.

 After quite a bit of chatting, I left his office and got into the lift to go to my studio. In the lift I met another co-trainee,A, who had gone for a survey and just returned. She was quite nice and we went to the "deck" that I had heard about so much.

The Deck is a balcony type thingy next to the conference room on the 7th floor. Its the place where everybody comes out to chill when you're feeling stressed, lonely, thoughtful etc. The most special thing about the deck is that its right next to the Sarbarmati River. As in, my whole office is next to the river but you can  stand on the deck and just look at the whole river and feel so very awesome. It was great.

I returned to my studio and found M working still working hard. M is another co-trainee and he's in my studio only. He's in 7th sem and has already finished 15 days of training. Everybody was making him do errands and just work hard. He seems nice and helpful. He told me that we had a training session in the evening after work and so I sent a text to my dad saying that I'll return at 8. 

At 6.30 in the evening I went to A's studio so that we could go to the conference room together. So she and the others wrapped up their work and we went to the conference room for a presentation. The presentation was by a senior architect at our firm, K sir, about one of his projects. He looked so young but told us that he'd been with the firm for 17 years. Dude, he was too good-looking to be so old. His presentation was quite cool, so was his project and so was he.

Every Architect at this firm is very cool. They're very talented people with zero attitude. I like the people here.They're very detail oriented and systematic. I love that fact. The infra is great and so is the work atmosphere. I'm a lil freaked out still. I've not been given any work yet but from Monday I'm sure I'll be given some work so I dont know how much I can cope up with everything.

Also, after work, we went PG scouting at night. There were basically three place. First place is right next to the office. Its where R di stays. I met her at the deck yesterday. She 's very nice but the room isnt. Its a lil broken and dingy types but still, its so close to office and other things are ok over there. Next place is a hostel where A stays. Its very very nice but is also unavailable. The owner said she'll tell us by this evening if she can do something and maybe, just maybe i'll get it after 10 days or something. Mom and Dad are leaving day after tomorrow so that means I'll have to be put up some where temporarily for some days. The third place was good but a lil far so I rejected that. Lets just hope I get the hostel thingy and I get it soon. 

So now, I work in an office and am going to live by myself in a new city. Dude. It almost seems like I've grown up.

I Know Who You Are.

Me : *a lil nervous* Hello, Good Afternoon sir.

Him : *neutral tone* Hello

Me: * Ok here goes* Sir, My name is Tejal blah blah . I'm one of the trainees at your Summer Intern-ship 2011 programme blah blah blah blah. More blah blah blah.

Him : *half amused, half smiling* I know who you are.

Me : * Flabbergasted*
         *Gulps*
         Umm I had sent you a mail sir, that there would be some delay in my joining date. *erm*

Him :  *Matter-of-factly* Yeah I think so. Yes.

Me : Oh you got it then. I was just calling to confirm. So I'll join on 1st July sir.*still flustered*

Him : *Calculative smile* (yes, you can make out different kinds of smiles over phone. At-least, that's what I think :/ )
         Yeah okay. No problem. Come on Friday.
         *Amused smile*


Sigh. Excerpts from my first phone conversation with my Senior Training Co-ordinator.

Not so soon.

So you thought I'd be gone by now. Haha. That's what I thought too. I was supposed to leave on the 25th but the day before that my brother decided to fall very ill with Jaundice and hence my mom and dad  couldn't possibly leave him suddenly so my trip was postponed for five days. All the tickets were re-scheduled and just like that, I wasn't going the next day.

Sometimes we think that we know what's going to happen, that we can plan ahead, decide our own fate but we fail to realise, the reins of life are just not ours to control. Like I've mentioned previously, I dont doubt the existence of a super-power, I just dont understand his ways.

So here's to expecting nothing and always being brave enough to let anything and everything go wrong. After all, In Murphy, We Trust :)

About Me.

Can you define yourself? Look at the extreme left upper corner of this blog and you'll find that I can't. There's no 'About Me' description there. Because I don't really think I know how to define myself yet. Of-course that's kinda lame because I know 'me' for the past 21 years and its quite peculiar to have known someone for so long and not know well enough about that person. But its true. I can't say that I'm this and I'm not that. Not yet. I may be this and that. Infact, due to this, I keep wondering as to how I'll introduce myself to people that I'll meet in about 10 days.

Should I be like- "Hello, My name is Tejal. I'm 21. Scorpio. No nonsense types. Also, a little weird and extremely random."

So, like I said, I'm leaving in 10 days.I dont really know how I'll react to things there.I mean I hope I'll be positive and happy and try to adjust etc etc but I cant really say anything for sure. Going and living in a new city all by myself is a risky step and I guess that's the charm of it. I really want to explore new things but mostly importantly I want to explore myself, how I'll react to the new things, leaving behind the cosy comfort of a protected life at home.

I don't know what exactly I want them to think of me. 'Them' being the completely new people that I'm going to work with and stay with for the next six months. I mean of-course, I'll "be myself" but its very difficult to do that, you know. Especially because I think I have many versions of me and that too,quite drastic ones. 

Sometimes I'm this docile, timid creature and sometimes I'm this extrovert, enthusiastic person.I also have this constant need to organize things.Yet my room is always messy. Like always. I love details. I practically plan everything to the very last detail and I'm so careful and concerned about everything. I mean, for once I'd like to see what being impulsive would feel like, what carefree-ness, happy-go-lucky-ness would feel like. Because I'm the opposite of impulsive and everything rash. I have this master plan for life and things that I'm doing just are means to get to the goal. So everything is complicated. But now, I don't want that any more. I want things to be simple. To live in the moment. But I'm not sure I can do that. In fact I don't even know how to do that.

In a way, I think I can relate to Monica. I have this obsession to be organized, to make plans, to make lists, to work things out before-hand, to categorise, to synchronise and to co-ordinate. Also, I'm bossy and "freakishly strong". I'm not that much of a neat-freak but then I stare hard at people who litter and my friends are tired of finding dustbins to throw their chocolate-wrappers in. Excuse me, but how can we keep the whole freaking Earth clean if we keep throwing stuff here and there and live amongst trash? I mean, hello? How hard is it, to throw garbage in a bin and not on the road or a side-walk? Anyway, so that's an irritating habit of mine. I also like to tell people what to do and mostly I'm right about it too. Sigh. I have OCD, dont I? 

But I'm also a a wee bit like Phoebe. I'm a lil strange, neurotic and can sing random songs at any given time and/or place! I'm high on life and have a flair for the melodrama. Hmm.

I read somewhere that if you're a non-smoker, a non-drinker and a vegetarian then you hardly have a life. Is that how people define fun? Then I'm totally boring. Lol. No drunken fiascos to boast about. I also happen to love my lungs a lot. And I'd rather not eat anything that was walking and talking a few hours ago. Thank you very much :/

I'm also, much to people's surprise (hmph), single. I think I've written enough about my single-hood and how I like it this way and the fact that I'm okay with it. Its not like the end of road, you know. Apparently, nowadays if you're single, some thing is wrong with you.Sigh. I'm perfectly fine and awesome. Thanks for the concern *rolls her eyes*.

So there you go. That was a LOT "about me". Now how am I supposed to fit in all this and more in a tiny little space and then expect you to know me?

. 

All Talk.

Everywhere you go, everything you see, its all talk. Just talk. I write this, typing away to glory, near my window, alone, but in reality, all I'm doing is talking, to you. You meet somebody, anybody and all you want to do, is talk.  
Ever thought about how much you talk to yourself? Everything we do, atleast everything I do, is about what our mind tells us to do. Literally.
Smiles talk.
Tears talk.
Actions talk.
Eyes talk.
Moments talk.
Sometimes everybody talks, all at once, but you dont want to listen. You want to shut it all out. Cause the voice that you actually want to hear, is always silent.

The Warrior Princess.

Dear Baby Xena,

First of all, I would like to welcome you to this world. Its a crazy crazy place but I'm sure you'll like it here. I'm sorry I'm a lil late in the welcoming bit but its only because I didn't know about you until recently. So obviously I'm very excited and thrilled to have you among us. "Us" being your virtual well-wishers and basically your mom's virtual gang of drunken folks. We're high on life, mind you. By the way, drinking is a very bad thing, Xena *ahem*.

So what's up with you,eh? I hear you've been really active during your stay in the hospital. Giving those doctors and nurses a run for their money. Good job girl. Somebody has to make those people sit up and think a little. I mean what's the fun in being the regular boring case, right? I like you already, we'd make an awesome team. By the way, causing trouble is a very bad thing, Xena *ahem*.

But you know what? Be a lil easy on Mom and Dad ok. 'Cause they're basically nice people, you know. Your mom might occasionally be a lil bollywood-crazy and you might not find some of your dad's jokes ..er.. funny, but they're two of my very favourite people. Infact, I was the President of your dad's Fan club. Bleh, who am I kidding? I still am. So y'know, let them chill once in a while. And if they don't listen to you, tell me, we'll irritate them together. By the way, annoying your folks is a very bad thing, Xena * ahem*.

So there's this new SRK movie releasing soon. SRK is a superhero in it and its releasing on MY birthday!! Yeay! I realllllly want to watch it. You do too, dont you? See, I told you we have a lot in common. I think we should get Aish on our team too *muahahahahah*. We'll meet when you come to visit your naana and naani ok. We'll discuss our plans then. By the way, plotting conspiring planning is a very bad thing, Xena *ahem*.

Xena. I know that the times have been tough but I also know that you have been tougher. I think that you are very brave and so are your parents. Your mom has always been an inspiration to me and she'll always take care of you. Do take care of her too. And you should also know, you are very very lucky and that you are and always will be, absolutely adored by us.

Lots of Love,

President Maasi (a.k.a Choti Maasi)

This Instant.

If there was a term for people with sudden outbursts and instant (and drastic) mood swings, I would be called that. It wasn't so earlier but now, for quite some time actually, I keep alternating between 'Hyper-Happy' and 'Hyper-Annoyed' modes. Notice the 'hyper' phase in both though. One minute I'm smiling, next minute I want to hit somebody. Maybe its because I face extreme happiness and extreme difficulties back-to-back or maybe, you know, just maybe, I'm going crazy bit by bit. Hmph. Whatever it is, I dont like it. Grrr. I wish I wouldn't get affected by my surroundings so much. Lol. I should start meditation and crap.

So anyway, countdown has begun. Leaving for Ahmedabad in exactly a month.

Breathe In and Breathe Out. In Slo-Mo.

Off-White

So I noticed that my blog has been pretty gloomy for quite some time. Not only is that very uncool but very wrong too. And life's never dull, is it? So many things happening all around. New, exciting things.

 Also, time to say good bye to so many people. I'll miss them a lot, all my B-tech friends. I didn't know, up until now, how many friends I had made in the past four years and now that they're all ready to go, clicking that one last picture, writing that one last wish, smiling and waving that one last time, I'm quite nostalgic and don't want to let go.

But then many new things await them too. New degrees, new courses, new jobs, new people. And talking about new jobs, I got through THE  place that I had been dying to get into for the 24 weeks of professional training in the next semester. I'll be going to a completely new city on my own for the very first time. I'm so bloody excited about it. I know its gonna be much tougher than I can even imagine but then its also waayy more exciting than anything I've ever done.So maybe its the time to move on, to new things, to take new roads, to make new goals.

Lots of other stuff happening. Aqua *ahem* has got many new "proposals" and even some international ones. And apparently, none of this is her fault. *Cough* *cough* I'd rather not discuss this further.

Tam turned 22 last week! A veryy happy birthday to her. I hope all wonderful things happen to her and she is bestowed with lots of blessings.

Also, among other terrific news, I got a new lappy! :D

Sooo pretty, isnt it?
Yeay! It's also super awesome!

More on this later. Bye for now :)

A Taste Of Hell.

I know God exists. I don't just think he does, I know he does. No coincidence or chance can explain what's happening around us, its all beyond us. There is some kinda super power who has created everything. And not just created, someone who is administrating it too. Someone is listening to our thoughts, looking at our actions and smirking and /or flinching at our mistakes. Damn that's creepy!

But the difficult part isn't believing, its the understanding bit that's scary.  Why do some things happen, why do we suffer, why do bad and good things happen to us, these are the tricky parts.

My mother has Multiple sclerosis. Its a no-cause, no-cure disease. This means suddenly, she has an attack (they call them "episodes") one fine day and her legs stop working. She has to be admitted into the hospital and administered steroids.Then the steroids slowly start doing their thing, stop the infection and slowly, life comes back to her legs. If only, it were as simple as that.

Don't take me otherwise. Its not like my mom is always sick. She's not. There are times when you could say she's almost normal. But then suddenly, there's an attack (/episode) and everything gets screwed up. Those days at the hospital, the to and fro from hospital and back, the journey in between, it all makes one question how Karma is decided up there, on exactly what basis. You know, questions like, what exactly did my mother do, to deserve this, keep haunting me.

She had her first attack in November 2005 when I was 16. A year before this blog was born. Since then, she has had seven such attacks.I do mention it sometimes, like here and here, but never in detail because its painful to even think about it. You might wonder, why I'm sharing it now. Well the reason being, I think my ability to bear pain has gone up quite a few notches in the last 23 days.

You see, everything was going well. In fact, life had just turned perfect. But the very next day, after I returned home from college, I got to know that there had been another attack and we were going to the hospital immediately. At first, I was pretty pissed off with God, asking him why I got just a few hours of unlimited happiness and then it was snatched away, right out of my shocked hands. Then as the days went from bad to worse, I realised, that that day was the last day that I could have actually felt what I felt. Anything sort of good news after that was pretty much irrelevant. So I was given a few hours of happiness as a reward before being given a sample of hell. Wow, I almost see the just system here.

So, the usual medication was followed and after a week, on 1st April, we got mom home. It was almost like all the earlier six times. But it was not so. That night, her health deteriorated and the next morning was the worst morning of my life. She got very sick and we realised that she had to be rushed to the hospital and an ambulance was called and we took her to the Emergency Room. She was immediately admitted into the ICU and after a lot of painful tests and medication, her condition was stabilized. I came home and there was still an hour of that day's match left. But I didn't have the strength to wonder whether we'll win the Cup or not. The next few days are hazy but somehow we did make it through. Things are on their way to normalcy now. I really hope it stays that way for a few months, at least.

But I don't think I can forget that day, even for a moment. She fainted in my arms. Just stopped responding to me, with her eyes open. It was the most horrifying sight that I've ever seen. Its been two weeks now. She's back home,recovering but I still get nightmares, the sheets, the bathroom floor, the blood, the stretcher, the ICU waiting lounge, the phone calls, the vegetable-patients, the syringes, her screams.

If I do get the chance to meet God, the only question I'll ask is, 'Why?'.

Tired.

Tired of crying.
Tired of asking for a reason.
Tired of hoping for things to get better.

Drastic changes.
From being the happiest person ever, I've become sad, very very sad.
Trying to believe, trying to keep my faith alive but after such horrifying and excruciating events in the past one week, its impossible to smile without feeling guilty. Dont think I have the courage to go further.

I've seen some pretty bad days in my small, considerably insignificant life but yesterday was undoubtedly, the worst day of my life. Yet.

Mushy and Wonderful.

Something that I've wanted for a long time has happened and I'm sooooooooooooooooooo happy. I feel giddy and gooey and mushy and so very happy. Dont know how long this will last but oh-my-god I feel like I'm sitting on a super-fast roller coaster ride and I cant get it to stop. I'm so scared. But in a good way. A very good way.

That Doe-Eyed Intruder.

This is the Annual Story Telling post. Missed it last year but will make it up this year, promise :)

Once upon a time, there was a girl. Yes, thats pretty much all about her. That she was a girl. It wasn't something she chose, it wasnt something she could have wanted, it was just something that was thrust upon her even before she was born. That she was to be a girl. Not just a human or a person, a "girl".

The moment she was born, her mother was disappointed with herself. She could not give birth to a boy at the first shot, could she? She was a fine young lady, her mother. But sometimes, age-old expectations are just too hard to ignore and the truth is too difficult to accept.Then, the new born's family members were heard sharing the news like "Oh. Its a girl." not "OH ITS A GIRL!!!". They kept on repeating this to evrybody in the exact same way.

Everybody cringed a little when they heard the news. They were all nice people, very 20th-century-modern ones, not some horrid backward clan. But even then, this was their first natural reaction.They could not help it. Of course, later on her parents loved her to death and she was the apple of everybody's eyes when she grew up. But a little part inside the girl died every time she heard the story. The story of everybody being disappointed in her even before she had opened her eyes and looked around.

She grew up to hate the fact that she wasn't wanted by anybody. She knew she meant a lot to everybody around her but she could never fully understand why she would feel so empty when she thought of how her little brother was treated like a God's gift when he was born, years later. She loved him very much but she could never forgive him for being the answer to everybody's prayers.

She grew up to learn that men and women were equal and now women walk shoulder to shoulder with men in all aspects of life. Then she joined college and that notion was obviously shattered. She looked around and saw what she meant to the people-of-the-other-gender. Her sense of justice could not forgive the Almighty Creator for doing what he did to her kind. He was obviously a "he", that's for sure.

She was sympathetic to all the baby girls that were born and got the same reaction. She looked helplessly at the "cringe" every time and thought about how the story kept on repeating itself over and over again. She could do nothing to change it. They were well-educated and broad minded people, yet that first cringe could never be avoided. She had to learn to live with it.

She was happy in her own little world, where all these trivial things never mattered. There were times and there were people who made her feel much above such things. She was happy in her home, where everybody loved her and made her feel like she mattered.But as soon as she stepped out, out of her comfort zone, out of her house, she felt like an intruder. An intruder in the Man's world. Not once, not twice, every freaking time.

                               

Weirdness.

So, a warning to the reader of this post. Its one of those weird nights when everything is perfect yet everything is incomplete. Do NOT read further if you're not a fan of melodrama. There. Dont say I didn't warn you.

There are many nights like this one. The weather is absolutely perfect. Everything around me seems to be okay. I'm not in a hurry to do anything. No pending assignments (none that I want to do right now anyway), no pending phone calls or messages to return, basically for tonight, I can just chill. If only this weird feeling would away. Like  there's something that I should be doing or someone that I should be calling. I dont know, its a weird omg-omg-omg feeling. Like a phone-trying-to-find-a-network feeling. You know, the 'searching' and 'still searching' sign on your phone when you travel very fast or through an unknown territory, the uncertainty of it. Like if I open the window, something will fly in. Or I may fall out. But that's really weird because none of these two are even remotely possible. I wish I could explain this racing pulse or the weird tingling sensation all over. Or the feeling of not being alone in an empty room.
Basically its like missing something that you never really had.

Maybe I should just go to sleep.

Of the Wrong Decade.

 So I finally figured it out. I should have been around 60 right now. That would have made me happy.I would have fallen in love and lived happily ever after.
Confused? Disgusted? Bleh chill. I just want to say that I wish I was twenty-one in the 70s. You know, the classic 70s. People were so chill that time. Like seriously. Everything was so simple. Love was so cute then. It wasn't as messy as it is today. Or maybe it was but I'll never know that, will I?
Basically 'love' is the only reason of today's post. Ok there maybe one more teeny tiny guilt trip of not having posted even once last month. Heee. 


 I see people around me, falling in love so soon and then falling out of "love" sooner. They boast about the many relationships and conquests, they tell me stories of manipulations and strategic moves that help them, they crib about not finding true love. I feel like a stagnant bystander who can see and hear everything but cant really do anything. Maybe I'm commitment phobic or maybe, I was just born in the wrong decade.

You may say, its just a case of the grapes being sour but dont get me wrong, all i'm saying is that I would have liked to fall in love the way they did in the 70s. Or atleast in the movies of the 70s.
Like think about this movie---->

 Have you seen it? It was a 1975 film and one of my most favourite films. I mean isn't the goofy Amol Palekar so adorable? The way the girl misses him when he disappears is just so adorable :)

Or even this movie---->

Like simple teacher falls in love with simple girl in this 1972 flick. No Sheila or Munni type people involved whatsoever.

Or maybe---->

Things were so cute in this one. School girl falls for actor, actor helps actual real-life hero (ok still reel-life though) to woo the girl. Like totally "aww" types. Plus its a 1971 movie.

Sometimes even this works----->

Randomly funny this love story was. Complicated for 1979 but not the 'omg-i-love-a-terrorist-he-kills-people-just-for-kicks-but-oh-he's-so-darn-cute' kind films of today :/

Even post-wedding love was fun---->

Lol Dharmendra was soooo good looking and  funny in 1975. Now he just makes me want to change the channel asap.

And finally this ----->

I think it was a very well made and well thought-of love story. Things dont always happen the way they should. Sad movie but ilikes! (in 1973!)

So now you see, I like old movies. They help me believe that such kind of people and love stories did exist. They tell me that at one time, things were simpler, people were less complicated. Atleast some of them were. People who didn't really take you at face value, people for whom life wasn't a never-ending party, people who knew what mattered, people who had reasons to smile without feeling guilty.

I'd like to believe that some of them still exist. Like I do.

In Other Words...

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
                                                 By Maya Angelou
The free bird leaps

on the back of the win
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and is tune is heard
on the distant hillfor the caged bird
sings of freedom

The free bird thinks of another breeze
an the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn 
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom. 

Bright And Shining!

Happyyyyy New year folks!!

Here's to an exciting year, full of possibilities and miracles. Hope everybody has a fantastic and magical new year :D This year, instead of being harsh to yourself, do the basic,simple things that make you happy. Well, atleast give it a try.

Walk in the sun,

Dance in the rain,

Sit in the moonlight,

Stare at the ocean,

Smile at the stars!

(and here's hoping I'll stay this optimistic and conked  the whole year! :P )

To a great year in the making,
Happy 2011 y'all!