I Know Who You Are.

Me : *a lil nervous* Hello, Good Afternoon sir.

Him : *neutral tone* Hello

Me: * Ok here goes* Sir, My name is Tejal blah blah . I'm one of the trainees at your Summer Intern-ship 2011 programme blah blah blah blah. More blah blah blah.

Him : *half amused, half smiling* I know who you are.

Me : * Flabbergasted*
         *Gulps*
         Umm I had sent you a mail sir, that there would be some delay in my joining date. *erm*

Him :  *Matter-of-factly* Yeah I think so. Yes.

Me : Oh you got it then. I was just calling to confirm. So I'll join on 1st July sir.*still flustered*

Him : *Calculative smile* (yes, you can make out different kinds of smiles over phone. At-least, that's what I think :/ )
         Yeah okay. No problem. Come on Friday.
         *Amused smile*


Sigh. Excerpts from my first phone conversation with my Senior Training Co-ordinator.

Not so soon.

So you thought I'd be gone by now. Haha. That's what I thought too. I was supposed to leave on the 25th but the day before that my brother decided to fall very ill with Jaundice and hence my mom and dad  couldn't possibly leave him suddenly so my trip was postponed for five days. All the tickets were re-scheduled and just like that, I wasn't going the next day.

Sometimes we think that we know what's going to happen, that we can plan ahead, decide our own fate but we fail to realise, the reins of life are just not ours to control. Like I've mentioned previously, I dont doubt the existence of a super-power, I just dont understand his ways.

So here's to expecting nothing and always being brave enough to let anything and everything go wrong. After all, In Murphy, We Trust :)

About Me.

Can you define yourself? Look at the extreme left upper corner of this blog and you'll find that I can't. There's no 'About Me' description there. Because I don't really think I know how to define myself yet. Of-course that's kinda lame because I know 'me' for the past 21 years and its quite peculiar to have known someone for so long and not know well enough about that person. But its true. I can't say that I'm this and I'm not that. Not yet. I may be this and that. Infact, due to this, I keep wondering as to how I'll introduce myself to people that I'll meet in about 10 days.

Should I be like- "Hello, My name is Tejal. I'm 21. Scorpio. No nonsense types. Also, a little weird and extremely random."

So, like I said, I'm leaving in 10 days.I dont really know how I'll react to things there.I mean I hope I'll be positive and happy and try to adjust etc etc but I cant really say anything for sure. Going and living in a new city all by myself is a risky step and I guess that's the charm of it. I really want to explore new things but mostly importantly I want to explore myself, how I'll react to the new things, leaving behind the cosy comfort of a protected life at home.

I don't know what exactly I want them to think of me. 'Them' being the completely new people that I'm going to work with and stay with for the next six months. I mean of-course, I'll "be myself" but its very difficult to do that, you know. Especially because I think I have many versions of me and that too,quite drastic ones. 

Sometimes I'm this docile, timid creature and sometimes I'm this extrovert, enthusiastic person.I also have this constant need to organize things.Yet my room is always messy. Like always. I love details. I practically plan everything to the very last detail and I'm so careful and concerned about everything. I mean, for once I'd like to see what being impulsive would feel like, what carefree-ness, happy-go-lucky-ness would feel like. Because I'm the opposite of impulsive and everything rash. I have this master plan for life and things that I'm doing just are means to get to the goal. So everything is complicated. But now, I don't want that any more. I want things to be simple. To live in the moment. But I'm not sure I can do that. In fact I don't even know how to do that.

In a way, I think I can relate to Monica. I have this obsession to be organized, to make plans, to make lists, to work things out before-hand, to categorise, to synchronise and to co-ordinate. Also, I'm bossy and "freakishly strong". I'm not that much of a neat-freak but then I stare hard at people who litter and my friends are tired of finding dustbins to throw their chocolate-wrappers in. Excuse me, but how can we keep the whole freaking Earth clean if we keep throwing stuff here and there and live amongst trash? I mean, hello? How hard is it, to throw garbage in a bin and not on the road or a side-walk? Anyway, so that's an irritating habit of mine. I also like to tell people what to do and mostly I'm right about it too. Sigh. I have OCD, dont I? 

But I'm also a a wee bit like Phoebe. I'm a lil strange, neurotic and can sing random songs at any given time and/or place! I'm high on life and have a flair for the melodrama. Hmm.

I read somewhere that if you're a non-smoker, a non-drinker and a vegetarian then you hardly have a life. Is that how people define fun? Then I'm totally boring. Lol. No drunken fiascos to boast about. I also happen to love my lungs a lot. And I'd rather not eat anything that was walking and talking a few hours ago. Thank you very much :/

I'm also, much to people's surprise (hmph), single. I think I've written enough about my single-hood and how I like it this way and the fact that I'm okay with it. Its not like the end of road, you know. Apparently, nowadays if you're single, some thing is wrong with you.Sigh. I'm perfectly fine and awesome. Thanks for the concern *rolls her eyes*.

So there you go. That was a LOT "about me". Now how am I supposed to fit in all this and more in a tiny little space and then expect you to know me?

. 

All Talk.

Everywhere you go, everything you see, its all talk. Just talk. I write this, typing away to glory, near my window, alone, but in reality, all I'm doing is talking, to you. You meet somebody, anybody and all you want to do, is talk.  
Ever thought about how much you talk to yourself? Everything we do, atleast everything I do, is about what our mind tells us to do. Literally.
Smiles talk.
Tears talk.
Actions talk.
Eyes talk.
Moments talk.
Sometimes everybody talks, all at once, but you dont want to listen. You want to shut it all out. Cause the voice that you actually want to hear, is always silent.

The Warrior Princess.

Dear Baby Xena,

First of all, I would like to welcome you to this world. Its a crazy crazy place but I'm sure you'll like it here. I'm sorry I'm a lil late in the welcoming bit but its only because I didn't know about you until recently. So obviously I'm very excited and thrilled to have you among us. "Us" being your virtual well-wishers and basically your mom's virtual gang of drunken folks. We're high on life, mind you. By the way, drinking is a very bad thing, Xena *ahem*.

So what's up with you,eh? I hear you've been really active during your stay in the hospital. Giving those doctors and nurses a run for their money. Good job girl. Somebody has to make those people sit up and think a little. I mean what's the fun in being the regular boring case, right? I like you already, we'd make an awesome team. By the way, causing trouble is a very bad thing, Xena *ahem*.

But you know what? Be a lil easy on Mom and Dad ok. 'Cause they're basically nice people, you know. Your mom might occasionally be a lil bollywood-crazy and you might not find some of your dad's jokes ..er.. funny, but they're two of my very favourite people. Infact, I was the President of your dad's Fan club. Bleh, who am I kidding? I still am. So y'know, let them chill once in a while. And if they don't listen to you, tell me, we'll irritate them together. By the way, annoying your folks is a very bad thing, Xena * ahem*.

So there's this new SRK movie releasing soon. SRK is a superhero in it and its releasing on MY birthday!! Yeay! I realllllly want to watch it. You do too, dont you? See, I told you we have a lot in common. I think we should get Aish on our team too *muahahahahah*. We'll meet when you come to visit your naana and naani ok. We'll discuss our plans then. By the way, plotting conspiring planning is a very bad thing, Xena *ahem*.

Xena. I know that the times have been tough but I also know that you have been tougher. I think that you are very brave and so are your parents. Your mom has always been an inspiration to me and she'll always take care of you. Do take care of her too. And you should also know, you are very very lucky and that you are and always will be, absolutely adored by us.

Lots of Love,

President Maasi (a.k.a Choti Maasi)

This Instant.

If there was a term for people with sudden outbursts and instant (and drastic) mood swings, I would be called that. It wasn't so earlier but now, for quite some time actually, I keep alternating between 'Hyper-Happy' and 'Hyper-Annoyed' modes. Notice the 'hyper' phase in both though. One minute I'm smiling, next minute I want to hit somebody. Maybe its because I face extreme happiness and extreme difficulties back-to-back or maybe, you know, just maybe, I'm going crazy bit by bit. Hmph. Whatever it is, I dont like it. Grrr. I wish I wouldn't get affected by my surroundings so much. Lol. I should start meditation and crap.

So anyway, countdown has begun. Leaving for Ahmedabad in exactly a month.

Breathe In and Breathe Out. In Slo-Mo.

Off-White

So I noticed that my blog has been pretty gloomy for quite some time. Not only is that very uncool but very wrong too. And life's never dull, is it? So many things happening all around. New, exciting things.

 Also, time to say good bye to so many people. I'll miss them a lot, all my B-tech friends. I didn't know, up until now, how many friends I had made in the past four years and now that they're all ready to go, clicking that one last picture, writing that one last wish, smiling and waving that one last time, I'm quite nostalgic and don't want to let go.

But then many new things await them too. New degrees, new courses, new jobs, new people. And talking about new jobs, I got through THE  place that I had been dying to get into for the 24 weeks of professional training in the next semester. I'll be going to a completely new city on my own for the very first time. I'm so bloody excited about it. I know its gonna be much tougher than I can even imagine but then its also waayy more exciting than anything I've ever done.So maybe its the time to move on, to new things, to take new roads, to make new goals.

Lots of other stuff happening. Aqua *ahem* has got many new "proposals" and even some international ones. And apparently, none of this is her fault. *Cough* *cough* I'd rather not discuss this further.

Tam turned 22 last week! A veryy happy birthday to her. I hope all wonderful things happen to her and she is bestowed with lots of blessings.

Also, among other terrific news, I got a new lappy! :D

Sooo pretty, isnt it?
Yeay! It's also super awesome!

More on this later. Bye for now :)

A Taste Of Hell.

I know God exists. I don't just think he does, I know he does. No coincidence or chance can explain what's happening around us, its all beyond us. There is some kinda super power who has created everything. And not just created, someone who is administrating it too. Someone is listening to our thoughts, looking at our actions and smirking and /or flinching at our mistakes. Damn that's creepy!

But the difficult part isn't believing, its the understanding bit that's scary.  Why do some things happen, why do we suffer, why do bad and good things happen to us, these are the tricky parts.

My mother has Multiple sclerosis. Its a no-cause, no-cure disease. This means suddenly, she has an attack (they call them "episodes") one fine day and her legs stop working. She has to be admitted into the hospital and administered steroids.Then the steroids slowly start doing their thing, stop the infection and slowly, life comes back to her legs. If only, it were as simple as that.

Don't take me otherwise. Its not like my mom is always sick. She's not. There are times when you could say she's almost normal. But then suddenly, there's an attack (/episode) and everything gets screwed up. Those days at the hospital, the to and fro from hospital and back, the journey in between, it all makes one question how Karma is decided up there, on exactly what basis. You know, questions like, what exactly did my mother do, to deserve this, keep haunting me.

She had her first attack in November 2005 when I was 16. A year before this blog was born. Since then, she has had seven such attacks.I do mention it sometimes, like here and here, but never in detail because its painful to even think about it. You might wonder, why I'm sharing it now. Well the reason being, I think my ability to bear pain has gone up quite a few notches in the last 23 days.

You see, everything was going well. In fact, life had just turned perfect. But the very next day, after I returned home from college, I got to know that there had been another attack and we were going to the hospital immediately. At first, I was pretty pissed off with God, asking him why I got just a few hours of unlimited happiness and then it was snatched away, right out of my shocked hands. Then as the days went from bad to worse, I realised, that that day was the last day that I could have actually felt what I felt. Anything sort of good news after that was pretty much irrelevant. So I was given a few hours of happiness as a reward before being given a sample of hell. Wow, I almost see the just system here.

So, the usual medication was followed and after a week, on 1st April, we got mom home. It was almost like all the earlier six times. But it was not so. That night, her health deteriorated and the next morning was the worst morning of my life. She got very sick and we realised that she had to be rushed to the hospital and an ambulance was called and we took her to the Emergency Room. She was immediately admitted into the ICU and after a lot of painful tests and medication, her condition was stabilized. I came home and there was still an hour of that day's match left. But I didn't have the strength to wonder whether we'll win the Cup or not. The next few days are hazy but somehow we did make it through. Things are on their way to normalcy now. I really hope it stays that way for a few months, at least.

But I don't think I can forget that day, even for a moment. She fainted in my arms. Just stopped responding to me, with her eyes open. It was the most horrifying sight that I've ever seen. Its been two weeks now. She's back home,recovering but I still get nightmares, the sheets, the bathroom floor, the blood, the stretcher, the ICU waiting lounge, the phone calls, the vegetable-patients, the syringes, her screams.

If I do get the chance to meet God, the only question I'll ask is, 'Why?'.

Tired.

Tired of crying.
Tired of asking for a reason.
Tired of hoping for things to get better.

Drastic changes.
From being the happiest person ever, I've become sad, very very sad.
Trying to believe, trying to keep my faith alive but after such horrifying and excruciating events in the past one week, its impossible to smile without feeling guilty. Dont think I have the courage to go further.

I've seen some pretty bad days in my small, considerably insignificant life but yesterday was undoubtedly, the worst day of my life. Yet.

Mushy and Wonderful.

Something that I've wanted for a long time has happened and I'm sooooooooooooooooooo happy. I feel giddy and gooey and mushy and so very happy. Dont know how long this will last but oh-my-god I feel like I'm sitting on a super-fast roller coaster ride and I cant get it to stop. I'm so scared. But in a good way. A very good way.