Off-White

So I noticed that my blog has been pretty gloomy for quite some time. Not only is that very uncool but very wrong too. And life's never dull, is it? So many things happening all around. New, exciting things.

 Also, time to say good bye to so many people. I'll miss them a lot, all my B-tech friends. I didn't know, up until now, how many friends I had made in the past four years and now that they're all ready to go, clicking that one last picture, writing that one last wish, smiling and waving that one last time, I'm quite nostalgic and don't want to let go.

But then many new things await them too. New degrees, new courses, new jobs, new people. And talking about new jobs, I got through THE  place that I had been dying to get into for the 24 weeks of professional training in the next semester. I'll be going to a completely new city on my own for the very first time. I'm so bloody excited about it. I know its gonna be much tougher than I can even imagine but then its also waayy more exciting than anything I've ever done.So maybe its the time to move on, to new things, to take new roads, to make new goals.

Lots of other stuff happening. Aqua *ahem* has got many new "proposals" and even some international ones. And apparently, none of this is her fault. *Cough* *cough* I'd rather not discuss this further.

Tam turned 22 last week! A veryy happy birthday to her. I hope all wonderful things happen to her and she is bestowed with lots of blessings.

Also, among other terrific news, I got a new lappy! :D

Sooo pretty, isnt it?
Yeay! It's also super awesome!

More on this later. Bye for now :)

A Taste Of Hell.

I know God exists. I don't just think he does, I know he does. No coincidence or chance can explain what's happening around us, its all beyond us. There is some kinda super power who has created everything. And not just created, someone who is administrating it too. Someone is listening to our thoughts, looking at our actions and smirking and /or flinching at our mistakes. Damn that's creepy!

But the difficult part isn't believing, its the understanding bit that's scary.  Why do some things happen, why do we suffer, why do bad and good things happen to us, these are the tricky parts.

My mother has Multiple sclerosis. Its a no-cause, no-cure disease. This means suddenly, she has an attack (they call them "episodes") one fine day and her legs stop working. She has to be admitted into the hospital and administered steroids.Then the steroids slowly start doing their thing, stop the infection and slowly, life comes back to her legs. If only, it were as simple as that.

Don't take me otherwise. Its not like my mom is always sick. She's not. There are times when you could say she's almost normal. But then suddenly, there's an attack (/episode) and everything gets screwed up. Those days at the hospital, the to and fro from hospital and back, the journey in between, it all makes one question how Karma is decided up there, on exactly what basis. You know, questions like, what exactly did my mother do, to deserve this, keep haunting me.

She had her first attack in November 2005 when I was 16. A year before this blog was born. Since then, she has had seven such attacks.I do mention it sometimes, like here and here, but never in detail because its painful to even think about it. You might wonder, why I'm sharing it now. Well the reason being, I think my ability to bear pain has gone up quite a few notches in the last 23 days.

You see, everything was going well. In fact, life had just turned perfect. But the very next day, after I returned home from college, I got to know that there had been another attack and we were going to the hospital immediately. At first, I was pretty pissed off with God, asking him why I got just a few hours of unlimited happiness and then it was snatched away, right out of my shocked hands. Then as the days went from bad to worse, I realised, that that day was the last day that I could have actually felt what I felt. Anything sort of good news after that was pretty much irrelevant. So I was given a few hours of happiness as a reward before being given a sample of hell. Wow, I almost see the just system here.

So, the usual medication was followed and after a week, on 1st April, we got mom home. It was almost like all the earlier six times. But it was not so. That night, her health deteriorated and the next morning was the worst morning of my life. She got very sick and we realised that she had to be rushed to the hospital and an ambulance was called and we took her to the Emergency Room. She was immediately admitted into the ICU and after a lot of painful tests and medication, her condition was stabilized. I came home and there was still an hour of that day's match left. But I didn't have the strength to wonder whether we'll win the Cup or not. The next few days are hazy but somehow we did make it through. Things are on their way to normalcy now. I really hope it stays that way for a few months, at least.

But I don't think I can forget that day, even for a moment. She fainted in my arms. Just stopped responding to me, with her eyes open. It was the most horrifying sight that I've ever seen. Its been two weeks now. She's back home,recovering but I still get nightmares, the sheets, the bathroom floor, the blood, the stretcher, the ICU waiting lounge, the phone calls, the vegetable-patients, the syringes, her screams.

If I do get the chance to meet God, the only question I'll ask is, 'Why?'.

Tired.

Tired of crying.
Tired of asking for a reason.
Tired of hoping for things to get better.

Drastic changes.
From being the happiest person ever, I've become sad, very very sad.
Trying to believe, trying to keep my faith alive but after such horrifying and excruciating events in the past one week, its impossible to smile without feeling guilty. Dont think I have the courage to go further.

I've seen some pretty bad days in my small, considerably insignificant life but yesterday was undoubtedly, the worst day of my life. Yet.

Mushy and Wonderful.

Something that I've wanted for a long time has happened and I'm sooooooooooooooooooo happy. I feel giddy and gooey and mushy and so very happy. Dont know how long this will last but oh-my-god I feel like I'm sitting on a super-fast roller coaster ride and I cant get it to stop. I'm so scared. But in a good way. A very good way.

That Doe-Eyed Intruder.

This is the Annual Story Telling post. Missed it last year but will make it up this year, promise :)

Once upon a time, there was a girl. Yes, thats pretty much all about her. That she was a girl. It wasn't something she chose, it wasnt something she could have wanted, it was just something that was thrust upon her even before she was born. That she was to be a girl. Not just a human or a person, a "girl".

The moment she was born, her mother was disappointed with herself. She could not give birth to a boy at the first shot, could she? She was a fine young lady, her mother. But sometimes, age-old expectations are just too hard to ignore and the truth is too difficult to accept.Then, the new born's family members were heard sharing the news like "Oh. Its a girl." not "OH ITS A GIRL!!!". They kept on repeating this to evrybody in the exact same way.

Everybody cringed a little when they heard the news. They were all nice people, very 20th-century-modern ones, not some horrid backward clan. But even then, this was their first natural reaction.They could not help it. Of course, later on her parents loved her to death and she was the apple of everybody's eyes when she grew up. But a little part inside the girl died every time she heard the story. The story of everybody being disappointed in her even before she had opened her eyes and looked around.

She grew up to hate the fact that she wasn't wanted by anybody. She knew she meant a lot to everybody around her but she could never fully understand why she would feel so empty when she thought of how her little brother was treated like a God's gift when he was born, years later. She loved him very much but she could never forgive him for being the answer to everybody's prayers.

She grew up to learn that men and women were equal and now women walk shoulder to shoulder with men in all aspects of life. Then she joined college and that notion was obviously shattered. She looked around and saw what she meant to the people-of-the-other-gender. Her sense of justice could not forgive the Almighty Creator for doing what he did to her kind. He was obviously a "he", that's for sure.

She was sympathetic to all the baby girls that were born and got the same reaction. She looked helplessly at the "cringe" every time and thought about how the story kept on repeating itself over and over again. She could do nothing to change it. They were well-educated and broad minded people, yet that first cringe could never be avoided. She had to learn to live with it.

She was happy in her own little world, where all these trivial things never mattered. There were times and there were people who made her feel much above such things. She was happy in her home, where everybody loved her and made her feel like she mattered.But as soon as she stepped out, out of her comfort zone, out of her house, she felt like an intruder. An intruder in the Man's world. Not once, not twice, every freaking time.

                               

Weirdness.

So, a warning to the reader of this post. Its one of those weird nights when everything is perfect yet everything is incomplete. Do NOT read further if you're not a fan of melodrama. There. Dont say I didn't warn you.

There are many nights like this one. The weather is absolutely perfect. Everything around me seems to be okay. I'm not in a hurry to do anything. No pending assignments (none that I want to do right now anyway), no pending phone calls or messages to return, basically for tonight, I can just chill. If only this weird feeling would away. Like  there's something that I should be doing or someone that I should be calling. I dont know, its a weird omg-omg-omg feeling. Like a phone-trying-to-find-a-network feeling. You know, the 'searching' and 'still searching' sign on your phone when you travel very fast or through an unknown territory, the uncertainty of it. Like if I open the window, something will fly in. Or I may fall out. But that's really weird because none of these two are even remotely possible. I wish I could explain this racing pulse or the weird tingling sensation all over. Or the feeling of not being alone in an empty room.
Basically its like missing something that you never really had.

Maybe I should just go to sleep.

Of the Wrong Decade.

 So I finally figured it out. I should have been around 60 right now. That would have made me happy.I would have fallen in love and lived happily ever after.
Confused? Disgusted? Bleh chill. I just want to say that I wish I was twenty-one in the 70s. You know, the classic 70s. People were so chill that time. Like seriously. Everything was so simple. Love was so cute then. It wasn't as messy as it is today. Or maybe it was but I'll never know that, will I?
Basically 'love' is the only reason of today's post. Ok there maybe one more teeny tiny guilt trip of not having posted even once last month. Heee. 


 I see people around me, falling in love so soon and then falling out of "love" sooner. They boast about the many relationships and conquests, they tell me stories of manipulations and strategic moves that help them, they crib about not finding true love. I feel like a stagnant bystander who can see and hear everything but cant really do anything. Maybe I'm commitment phobic or maybe, I was just born in the wrong decade.

You may say, its just a case of the grapes being sour but dont get me wrong, all i'm saying is that I would have liked to fall in love the way they did in the 70s. Or atleast in the movies of the 70s.
Like think about this movie---->

 Have you seen it? It was a 1975 film and one of my most favourite films. I mean isn't the goofy Amol Palekar so adorable? The way the girl misses him when he disappears is just so adorable :)

Or even this movie---->

Like simple teacher falls in love with simple girl in this 1972 flick. No Sheila or Munni type people involved whatsoever.

Or maybe---->

Things were so cute in this one. School girl falls for actor, actor helps actual real-life hero (ok still reel-life though) to woo the girl. Like totally "aww" types. Plus its a 1971 movie.

Sometimes even this works----->

Randomly funny this love story was. Complicated for 1979 but not the 'omg-i-love-a-terrorist-he-kills-people-just-for-kicks-but-oh-he's-so-darn-cute' kind films of today :/

Even post-wedding love was fun---->

Lol Dharmendra was soooo good looking and  funny in 1975. Now he just makes me want to change the channel asap.

And finally this ----->

I think it was a very well made and well thought-of love story. Things dont always happen the way they should. Sad movie but ilikes! (in 1973!)

So now you see, I like old movies. They help me believe that such kind of people and love stories did exist. They tell me that at one time, things were simpler, people were less complicated. Atleast some of them were. People who didn't really take you at face value, people for whom life wasn't a never-ending party, people who knew what mattered, people who had reasons to smile without feeling guilty.

I'd like to believe that some of them still exist. Like I do.

In Other Words...

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
                                                 By Maya Angelou
The free bird leaps

on the back of the win
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and is tune is heard
on the distant hillfor the caged bird
sings of freedom

The free bird thinks of another breeze
an the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn 
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom. 

Bright And Shining!

Happyyyyy New year folks!!

Here's to an exciting year, full of possibilities and miracles. Hope everybody has a fantastic and magical new year :D This year, instead of being harsh to yourself, do the basic,simple things that make you happy. Well, atleast give it a try.

Walk in the sun,

Dance in the rain,

Sit in the moonlight,

Stare at the ocean,

Smile at the stars!

(and here's hoping I'll stay this optimistic and conked  the whole year! :P )

To a great year in the making,
Happy 2011 y'all!

My Vice.

Its been wonderful, really wonderful but I have to let go and set us free.

Those were good times but I wish better times for both of us.

A firm farewell to deLusion and ilLusion.